Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
