the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
as a side note pls kill me
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
