im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
