So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
