I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
