I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
