I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
