sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.