i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
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Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
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I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling