I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
