I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
