My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I lost the right to judge tonight
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
