My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
