I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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