here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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