this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
