I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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