last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
