great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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