you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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