we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
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I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
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I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
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