Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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