I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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