Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
