i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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