i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
