i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
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