My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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