I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
