i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
