I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
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