haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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