Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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