there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
