I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
