Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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