I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
