My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
50% drunk capacity currently
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
