News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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