he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
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he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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