My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
You're completely useless in the revolution.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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