Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
