so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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