sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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