based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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