I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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