I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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