3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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