My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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