i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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