I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
