i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
