i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
