someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
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