if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
