doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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