I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
